Always and Forever
by granger10
Summary: Lily is in her 6th year at Hogwarts and is currently with James Potter. After a reoccurring nightmare though, her old feelings for Severus start to come back. How will she react and handle it all?
1. Nightmares

"_Stop it! James stop it!" I screamed, running across the school grounds. I almost tripped on my robe that was flowing out behind me in my hast to get to him in time. The other boy was on the ground, James taunting him from above with Sirius and Remus on either side. They were all wearing victorious smirks on their faces as they surveyed the scattered parchments and quills around them. I was completely out of breath by the time I got to them, panting as I grabbed James by the arm and spun him around to face me. "Do you have to be an arrogant toerag? Leave him alone!" James jerked his arm from my grasp, snickering at the boy on the ground as he did so. "Got Evans fighting your battles for you know? I could've guessed that was going to happen. Come on mates." With one last look at the pair of us, he strode off, his mates following close behind him. Stopping down I began to retrieve the torn parchments and various items off of the ground around us. I saw a shadow cross over me and as I looked up I saw the boy glaring at me. Confused I stood up, clutching his books. "What's the matt…" Practically spitting out his words in hate he said "You stupid Mudblood. I could have handled that on my own and now they won't ever stop torturing me and you just gave them another thing to gloat about." Stunned by his words I stumbled backwards, the feeling of a knife digging into my heart was slowly becoming increasingly noticeable and I sucked in a deep breath to try and lessen the pain. "Why would you say that?" I whispered, still reeling from his hatred in that one word. He could tell he had done wrong and he closed the distance between us, trying to take his books from me with a look of wariness on his face. "Lily, I never meant to call you a Mudblood, it just-" Tossing his books back onto the ground, I took two quick steps backward, putting my hands between us. The pain in my heart had turned into blinding anger at the one person who was supposed to be my friend. "Slipped out?" I yelled, attracting the attention of a few 7__th__ years that were passing by. "Well it's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can even understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious Death Eaters friends." I spit out, seeing the fleeting look of surprise and then sadness cross his face. It brought me joy to see that he was now hurting as bad as me. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." I finished, turning before he could speak again. While I should have been filled with a feeling of accomplishment, the only thing I felt was the choking sensation you get before you cry. I hurried into a side corridor and sank to the floor, the knife pain coming back in full swing. "Why Severus?" I cried to myself as I sat, all alone, on the concrete floor._

000

Lily woke up, tears streaming down her cheeks as she rolled over to turn on the small lamp she had on her bed table. She had been having the same dream night after night and didn't know why. It was always about Severus, always about their friendship ending and the feelings… No, she didn't talk about them anymore. Not to anyone.

As she took deep breaths to calm her heartbeat she saw that it was 6 o'clock in the morning and with the way she was feeling, she wouldn't be getting anymore sleep. Sighing, she climbed out of her bed, pushing the huge drapes aside as she stood. Her head was already starting to hurt and so after a quick and slightly awkward try at getting dressed in the dark, she hurried down the stairs that lead to the common room. All the rest of her house was asleep, and she was thankful that for once Sirius and James weren't around. She loved her boyfriend and his friends but she wasn't in the mood to see his face that morning, not after her dream. Tiptoeing across the common room, she snuck out of Gryffindor and made a turn to the right.

James had brought her along on one of the Map Making adventures and they had ended up at the Kitchen. She didn't think she would make it to breakfast at this rate, her head was now throbbing, and she picked up her pace, looking along the walls for the fruit bowl. She found it in between a portrait of a dragon and a very old and sleepy wizard who was snoring. Reaching up, she tickled the pear, and waited. The door knob appeared and she let herself in.

The hustle and bustle was a little comforting and gave her something to focus on besides her gloomy thoughts. Rink sprinted over to her, a huge smile on his face. "Miss Lily! So nice to see you again! Would you like some pumpkin juice, bacon, perhaps some eggs-" Lily laughed, patting Rink on the hand he had outstretched to her. "No thanks Rink, I don't need all of that but some eggs with toast would be great. I'll come with you" She called after the already sprinting house elf as he ran frenzied around the kitchen, bumping into other elves as he gathered her plate. She had meet Rink on her first visit here and he had instantly been attracted to her. He had kept saying, "You are a good person Miss Lily", and had cooked her everything she had asked for. Rink skidded to a halt in front of her, plate in hand as he did a little bow with a flourish of his hand. "Your breakfast is served."

Lily laughed again as Rink did his dramatic bow and then grabbed the plate from him. "Thanks Rink. You should probably get back to work so you don't get in trouble. I'll be sure to come say goodbye though." Rink nodded his head, skipping back down the rows to his station. The smile slowly faded from her face as he left, taking the happiness with him. What was she going to do when she saw James? Act like nothing happened, like she had for the past week? And what about Severus? The start of the new semester was tomorrow and she had a potions with him. Sighing, she absent mindedly stirred the egg yoke onto her toast. The day wasn't looking so well.


	2. Lists

"Who can tell me what this is?" Professor Slughorn said, his contagious smile turning to each student as he waited for an answer.

His gaze landed on Lily more than once but she was to dazed to notice. She was furiously writing down different lines on a piece of parchment that was under the table. It contained multiple ways of saying hello but all of them sounded fake and nothing like what she herself would say.

After hastily scribbling out "you're looking well", she noticed the silence around her. She snapped her head up and noticed what Professor Slughorn was holding in his hand. Seeing he was still waiting for an answer she raised her hand which was accompanied by multiple whistles and cat calls from James and his friends.

A smile never touched her face as she recited, "Gillyweed", in an extremely monotone voice.

Professor Slughorn was positively beaming at her, acting as if she had saved the world instead of answering a question that anybody else could have, should have, known.

After making sure his lecture was well underway, Lily returned to her list. So far she had:

Hi

How are you?

Could we talk

I know you might not want to but

I need to talk to you

Hi Sev

You're looking well

_Great, you're going to sound absolutely pathetic. Just like a 1__st__ year. _She thought as she reluctantly tapped the paper with her wand, causing it to scroll its self and flutter down into her bag.

Mustering what little concentration she could, she focused back into Slughorn's lesson.

_10 minutes later_

"Alright class, now don't forget your homework. One whole scroll on the effects of Gillyweed please."

Lily felt her stomach constrict as she shot out of her seat, gathering her items as quickly as she could. She knew that she would lose her reserve to talk to Severus about rekindling their friendship if she hesitated even on second. Swallowing down her anxiety she started walking in a bee line towards him, though she did slow a bit when she saw all the other slytherin around him. The only thing that kept her going was the fact that he looked over and made eye contact with her.

She didn't know wither to smile or wave and instead, she just kept walking to him. She was just close enough that some of his friends were turning to look at the wandering gryffindor when an arm caught hers, spinning her around. She was looking into the face of her tragically handsome boyfriend who at that moment she really wanted to slap. Snatching herself from his grasp she turned, only to find Severus, and every other slytherin in the room, gone.

"Geez Lily, you're being a bit or a prude." Remus said, stuffing another mouth full turkey into his mouth, grabbing the glass of pumpkin juice beside him to wash it down with. Lily's eyes flamed and he immediately fell silent. She had been in a foul mood since James and grasped her away from the one moment of courage she had managed in Potions. She was still stewing over the fact that she probably wouldn't be talking to Severus ever again and the thought sent a small tingle into her heart. Not quite as bad as the knife feeling but close to it.

She jumped a little as someone gently rubbed her knee, causing her to derail her depressing train of thought. James was looking at her, really looking at her and it took her off guard. She was used to the teasing James, the prankster and even the sometimes lusty James but she very seldom got the chance to see him be sensitive. He was still stroking her knee, in a comforting way, as he said "Lil, are you ok? I know the cat calls were a bit immature but I didn't think you would..." Lily smiled, placing her tiny finger against his lips to quiet him. "It wasn't the cat calls. It's something…else. Stupid really, I'm acting like a prude, to use Remus's term." Remus chocked on his juice but laughed along with her and the rest of their small group.

James's eye's became warm again and his posture relaxed as he placed an arm around her shoulder's. For a moment, she forgot the dream, the stupid list, and him. She nestled into James warm figure and placed her hand over his, still placed on her knee. Honestly, why should she care about Severus? She had James, someone who she loved and a group of friends that would _never_ call her a Mudblood. Ever. She didn't need him.

Yet she still had the tingly feeling when they left dinner and she saw he wasn't sitting at the slytherin table.


	3. Rage

Severus sat in the Slytherin common room fuming in an oversized green chair. He was feeling slightly mind fucked at the moment and he hadn't been able to force himself to go to dinner with his mates. Lucius had offered to hex a first year in front of Sev just to make him smile but Severus had declined, choosing instead to torment himself with his thoughts.

She hadn't looked at him in a year.

He had watched her from a far, sometimes for as long as thirty minutes and she had never seen him. She had never acknowledged his presence. While she had moved on, Severus had replayed those cruel words he had spat at her in his moment of rage. He had thought she would never speak to him again…and then her beautiful eyes had found his in class, a mix of anxiety and determination swirling in their depths. She had been about to speak, he would have heard her sweet voice again, but then fucking Potter had turned her away.

He felt the rage boil in his gut and he clenched his fists tightly to the arms of the chair. Potter always messed things up, always came out looking like the mighty Gryffindor he was and making Severus look like the slimy Slytherin he had become.

A loud bang of the portrait door announced the arrival of his fellow friends. Lucius walked in first, his air of assumed royality about him as he spotted Severus sulking by the fire. A wicked grin formed on his so called friends face as he approached the arm of chair and sat down. "Come now Severus. What could cause such a deep frown on your face? I mean you are doing that already half the time but your mouth is receding into your face." Lucius laughed, the rich tones bouncing off of the cold stone walls of the common room. The few other boys that had walked into the room laughed as well, some snickering behind their hands and others outright just like Lucius. Any other time Severus would have joined in. He knew he frowned a lot and he made fun of everyone else so why not take some heat but today was not the right day for that.

"Aquamenti!" Severus yelled, springing up from his chair as he shot a jet of water straight in Lucius's open mouth. The room grew quiet as his stunned classmates finally realized something was wrong with him. "I'll be in my room. Don't bother me." He mumbled, shooting Lucius one last contemptuous glance before he stalked out of the room, his robes moving about him in an angry torrent of fabric. He slammed the door behind him for good measure, making sure no one would bother him and then he finally gave into the feeling that was bursting out of him. He sat on the edge of his bed and cried.


	4. Confrontation

Lily walked through the hallways, her footsteps echoing off of the silent corridors. It was an hour before any of the classes started and the air was still chilly since none of the teacher's had cast warming charms yet.

After not seeing Severus in lunch the other day she had gone back to the common room with this odd lump in her throat. She had tried to ignore it but ultimately couldn't. As much as it annoyed her, and even scared her, she had wanted to see him. All last night she had lain awake and thought about their last conversation and how awful she had been. It seemed so stupid now, how she had re-acted to what he said. In a situation that she had pegged him as the bad guy, he was now the victim of her childish anger and ability to hold a grudge for a flipping long time.

Focusing her thoughts back to the present, Lily managed to duck behind a column as Professor McGonagall walked by, flicking her wand as she went to warm the chilly halls. Lily's heart was beating double time and she laughed quietly, shaking her head at herself. "You aren't breaking any rules Lil" she mumbled to herself as she regained her composure and set off down the hallway towards the room that would eventually change her life.

"It's called Aquamenti." Severus said from his spot in the back of the Defense against the dark arts class. "You use it to spray a jet of water. It's useful for a number of things, including making your enemies shut up."

Professor Higgins stared back at Severus for a few moments, her eyebrows going up for the briefest of seconds before she continued, awarding four points to Slytherin. Severus knew she was wandering why her best student had added the sarcastic comment at the end but Sev could have cared less. His day was made even better as he heard Lucius mumbling obscenities at his back from the table behind him. Not that it would have mattered if Lucius stayed mad at him for the rest of his life. His whole world had been flipped sideways as he had walked into class that morning.

A note had been placed on his desk, exactly where he would have sat. Intrigued he had opened it, knowing who it was from almost immediately.

As Professor Higgins dragged on in his lecture, Severus pulled out the tiny folded note from his robe pocket, inhaling Lily's scent as he did so. The note smelled like the perfume she used to wear, a mix of Jasmine and vanilla. Checking to make sure no one would see, he opened it and re-read the note.

Sev…

I hope you get this. I know you used to always be early for DADA and hopefully you still do that….Anyways meet me behind the blue tapestry on the fourth floor after dinner but before curfew.

-Lil

His whole head was filled with her voice, how he thought she would sound saying those things. He couldn't believe she had remembered that he was always early to DADA simply because he couldn't wait to learn everything there was to learn. The sharp sound of a bang brought his attention back to the present and he noticed Professor Higgins standing at the front of the room, a huge trunk on the floor near her feet. "Can I please have a volunteer?" She asked, her eyes automatically landing on Severus. He nodded and stood, careful to replace the note before he went forward.

"Lily, are you ok? You've been acting weird all day."

James looked over at her, a look of concern on his face. She smiled, shaking her head. "I found out I have a test next class. I'm just worked up about that. You know how I am with my tests." James shot Remus a look that said should have guessed that one, and went back talking to his friends. Lily on the other hand wasn't ok. Her stomach was in knots and she couldn't keep her leg from bouncing up and down in nervous anticipation. It had started shaking so bad one time, she had hit the bottom of the table and almost knocked over her glass of pumpkin juice.

To make matters worse, she could feel his eyes on her back. She had always been able to tell when he stared at her but after their falling out, she had blocked him out. Now it was causing her back to feel like it was on fire. Every part of her wanted to turn around but if she saw him before they were supposed to meet, she was worried she would lose her nerve and cave. Grabbing a tart from the tray, Lily bit into it and counted down the seconds until dinner would end.

Severus made sure no one was following him before ducking out of sight down one of the hardly ever used stair cases. James Potter wasn't the only one who knew his way around Hogwarts and Severus knew about every hiding place there was which was why he knew where Lily was going to be exactly. He ran through what he could say and what he wanted to say but the only thing that he kept thinking about was what if this is a trick? He had glanced over at her almost the entire night and she hadn't looked over once. The only thing he had seen was Potter acting overly cocky and as he walked the more on guard he became. The last thing he wanted was to be made a fool of again. He rounded the corner and saw the tapestry, fluttering slightly as if someone had just crossed behind it.

Taking a deep breath, he withdrew his wand, keeping it hidden as he slipped behind the curtain. It was dark at first but then he heard her speak. He was so shocked it really was her that he didn't hear what she said. A light was cast around them, and they just stared at each other.

She looked so timid, standing there before him with her arms crossed in a defensive stance and he felt his heart break as he realized she thought he might actually try to harm her. Shaking his head, he backed away from her, tucking his wand into his pocket as he moved.

"I'm not going to jinx you Lily so stop standing there like I'm about to attack."

She jumped, only the tiniest bit but he noticed it, as she dropped her arms and frowned at him.

"I didn't think you were going to jinx me Sev, but how can you blame me for standing like that? We haven't talked in ages and everything has gotten so…..messed up." She sighed, running a hand through her red hair. He was having a hard time focusing because she had called him Sev, again. It was her old nickname for him but nicknames are for people who like each other and get along, not people who haven't talked in forever.

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, reminding him of a fish as it gasps for air. He could see thoughts running through her eyes, emotions crossing her face as she searched for the right thing to say. He stood quietly, letting her process her thoughts since it was her after all who had wanted this meeting. He found his gaze wandering over her body, and then she was speaking again.

"I was wrong. For getting so mad at you like I did. James was being stupid, like he always is, and I should have listened to you and stayed with you. You were my friend Sev and I just…I just tossed it aside like it was nothing over a stupid nickname." Tears were forming in her eyes and Severus started getting nervous, not knowing how to react. He wasn't exactly the warmest person and he definitely didn't know how to handle girls crying but before he knew it, she was hugging him.

Her face was buried in his shoulder and her arms were wrapped around his back as she mumbled apologizes about how awful she had been to him but none of it even mattered. He would have forgiven her anyways. After the tears stopped, she pulled back, laughing at herself as she whipped her eyes.

"You have no idea how bad that has been bothering me." She shrugged, taking in a deep breath as she met his eyes. "So what do we do now?"

Severus blinked, not sure what she was asking. A thought immediately popped into his head of what they could do but he stopped it before it took hold. He had told himself long ago to not think of Lily like that. "We go on. You have James and your friends and I have mine. If I see you, I'll smile and you can do the same back but I don't think we can ever be friends in the open again Lily. Too much has changed."

He smiled sadly, pulling aside the tapestry to walk away before he could see the hurt he knew was going to be on her face.


End file.
